The Real Voldemort
by Lord Brocktree
Summary: Voldemort tells all in his book
1. Introduction and The Fateful Night

Disclaimer: Does not own Harry Potter do I.

  


"Well every one thinks that I'm the bad guy. Huh? Don't you? And its allo the fault of J.K. Rowling, I curse you, you pig! Well I'm here to tell you the real story of my time with Harry Potter.

"That night every one thinks I killed Harry's parents, I didn't, I went to they're house to offer them some cookies I had baked, they even had little hearts on them. I walked up to they're door with Lucius Malfoy, he's one of my cookie eaters, WHAT?!?! THEY THINK THAT MY COOKIE EATERS ARE CALLED WHAT?!?! I have a question for you why would you call them death eaters? Do they eat death? No. They bake cookies and eat them, and twice a year us and the muggle boy scouts, yes we volunteer at help a muggle foundation, go on a camp out! It's so much FUN! Oh I feel a song coming on!"

"F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere any time at all, down here with my best buddies! Sing it with me! F is for frolicking down through the flower, U is I can't remember, N is nose pickin', sand lickin', cherry eatin', down with my best buddies! Oh I just love Spongebob!"

"Anyway Peter had told us were to go to give them cookies, we rang the doorbell. And James answered, we said we brought you some cookies, then James went mad, tried to kill his own son, ended up killing his wife, then I killed James and gave Hagrid Harry, NO ONE SEEMS TO REMEMBER THAT!"

"Anyway in chapter two of my Book, which you are now reading, we will touch on the book in titled Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone." 


	2. The Stone

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

  


"Well here we are you are read Chapter Two of book. YEA! The truth will be heard, that pig J.K. will not get anymore people to hate me! YEA! You know what I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna go listen to some muggle music, here we go Weird Al, that sounds good, Jedi Song, that sounds good, I LOVE Star Wars, 'A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack, and I thought me and Qui-Gon Ginn, could talk the federation in to maybe cutting them a little slack.....' I'll buy it, but back to the story."

Quirrel wasn't evil, Harry Potter is the mean guy, I had to have possessed his body, I HAD to have a cookie! Mmm..... Quirell makes one heck of a brownie, to bad Harry killed him, yes, he killed him, now to another fact. I can't touch him because of Dumbledore, he's the bad guy, his name means Bumblebee, who likes a Bumblebee? Any one? HA! I was right! WHAT YOU THINK THAT J.K.'S RIGHT? That's your opinion, but why do you think I made you right your address on one of those cards that you answer questions and mail back to help and mail it to me before you bought this book? THAT'S RIGHT! So I could go to your house to give you a thank you cookie for buying my book!"

"Oh you thought I might kill you, so wrote down a abandoned factory. I'm sorry, if you mail me a address I'll still give you a cookie. Now back to the point, yes Harry Potter is evil, its not his fault, he was brain washed by Dumbledore, the real Dark Lord. Now to reveal J.K. Rowling's secret identity, he, yes he is Dumbledore, cue dramatic music.

"In Chapter Three we will discuss Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.


	3. Sorry, not the Real Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter 

  


Well hello, this is just a thank you for all who have reviewed my story, and a special thanks to a few people, and a not so speical thanks to one person, Lord Voldemort gave me some cookies to bribe me to put this one in. Well here are the Thank You's followed by the Special Thank You's,

Lizzy Dark: hahahahahaha, that voldemorts a real quack.

George luver: I LOVE SPONGEBOB!

Slithers: Wow...That was a very new prospective! It was very original! Very funny...Please update quickly!!

Lizzy Dark: I was laughing so hard I was CRYING! BWA HAHAHAHAHA

madgal21: madgal:COOKIE EATERS!??!?!?!?!   
  
tiv:Youre scary,man

chelly: ok, that was pointless, but OH SO FUNNY!  
  
Seriously, I cracked up while reading that.

  


Now on to Special Thank You's

  


I thank George Lucas, I Love Star Wars! I thank J.K. Rowling, for if she hadn't created this world, who else would I be making fun of with the Crocodile Hunter and Mr. Fuzz? And a Thank You to Anya Wood, I'm on her favorite authors list! I feel wanted! Yea! Now for the not so special thanks, for J.K. Lord Voldemort says, I CURSE YOU, YOU PIG!


	4. The Secrets

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

  


"He's got a small a light saber......... he'll make you lift up big rocks with the power of your brain..... long eared green and stout, live'n la vida Yoda, oh err.. Listening to a Weird Al song, Live'n La Vida Yoda, now I know some of you may be shocked to find out that J.K. is Dumbledore. Now I was the heir of Slytherin, but I vowed never to be evil. The basalisk is evil, but I told him to go domn in the Chamber of Secrets, but he said he would be good, so I let him stay out and he killed a muggle born, so I made him go back into the Chamber. Why is Draco mean? Well he is mad that his father makes cookies, what is wrong with him? What's wrong with cookies? I love cookies, oh my gosh! Spongebob is on, I'll be back to write more!"

"Oh that was a good episode! Mystery came and Mr. Krabs told Spongebob to get rid of her. Am I gay? God no! Why do you think that the basalisk killed that girl? I dated her and she dumped me, I complained to the basalisk and he killed her."

"Why does J.K. hate me? Well for one thing he is Dumbledore, and I think it's because he is afraid that I will take over Hogwarts, I won't all I want to do is start a Catering Business.


	5. Azkaban

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

  


"Well, you actually are reading my book and are on the third chapter, How the heck am I reading your mind to answer your questions? Hmm...... I don't know. I'm scaring you? I'm sorry, I'll give you a cookie, thank you, your welcome. Now, what is Peter Petigrew like? He is a little bit on the side of not that good a cook, I let him do my dirty work, what do you mean you knew that I was a killer, no that kind of dirty work, buying the ingredients. It's hard going outside now, that everyone thinks that I'm a killer. Well, now what was your question? THEY THINK WHAT?!?! THAT SURIUS IS A COOKIE EATER?!?! Look, he is an evil guy, not like us we're nice remember? He went and- this story is interupted by a guy reading the law,"

"Whosoever is found loitering at the public station platform nine and three quarters between the hours of 12 pm and 3 am can be accused of loitering in a non loitering zone and could be sentenced to 12 hours of community service. Code #14339"

"Does that clear things up?"

"Now in chapter five of my book we will discuss the Goblet of Fire.


	6. Hot, Hot, Hot! Who would want to hold a ...

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

  


"Welcome back, now I am wearing 3-D glasses while writing this story. They aren't making any of these words that I am writing 3-D, oh well maybe they will later. Now on to the point of these stories, to make sure The Pig will not get any more people to hate me, YEA! Now most people think that I lured Harry Potter to kill him, wrong, I wanted to give him a cake to say on it, I'm not really mean. But, he tried to kill me, so I had to defend myself. And Crouch wasn't really bad either, he had to keep the real Mad-Eye Moody in the case, in case he tried get him, so Crouch watched Harry throughout the year to make sure he could get to me, and helped him through out the year and the reason I didn't make a portkey earlier was because I was making a special cake, a cake to end Harry's hating of me! Well this is one my last chapters for a while, because if I tell any farther I'll get sued by Dumbledore, and these 3-D glasses still don't work."

"If you have any questions please ask in the review, thank you for your time and co-operation."


	7. The Phoenix's Order, Chicken Breast

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

  


Before we begin I want to apologize for the long wait in between Chapter Six and now. I was at Brookhill! It is a camp, it rocks! It's in Hotsprings, Arkansas! Anyway I just spent a week there and it was really fun! And now back to your book.

  


"Hello, I first want answer the question asked by a young reader, I quote, 'Why would you give a cake to someone as mean as Harry?' end quote. Because I'm nice, unlike Harry and nice people give stuff to people and try to make many friends."

"Now on to the book, this is quite a simple one to say what really happened, take out whatever evil stuff I said/did besides the part about breaking into the department of mysteries, I broke in because I heard that a very special recipe was in there, making my cakes the best in the world!"

"Now that this will be the last chapter for awhile as I do not know what Dumbledore will say so I cannot tell you what is right and wrong, and I will probably get sued if I do tell ahead so bye!"


	8. Q and A

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.

  


"Short, sweet and to the point. Read mt first chapter, it explains who killed Harry's parents, and read Lord Brocktree's Assassin Bob story, as he worked hard on it! Please!!!!!!!!!"


	9. Q and A II

Disclaimer: See earlier stuff.

  


"Now then, I will now answer a letter." and he proceeds to do so. "Well its from, Mr. Beebopodiggity, why do you have a mark burned into your skin? Well- WHAT?!?! WE DO NOT HAVE A MRK BURNED INTO OUR SKIN! The only thing we ever burned was a pie! Does that answer your Question? Now another one from him, he says to say, kiss yourb utt. Ok... kiss myb utt. Thank you for your time and co-op."


	10. Q and A III

Disclaimer: Don't own HP.

  


"More letters! YEA! The truth must be known! CURSE YOU! YOU PIG! Anyway...

  


How dare anyone think that your evil?! I think that you are a great person! I have one question... Why do the Cookie Eaters have to were masks? - Insanus Caseolus

  


"Well thanks, I am nice aren't I? Anyway, we where masks because Peter likes to cut, and well when you give him some vegies to cut, he goes MAD! But one day, as he was cutting the knife slipped out of his hand and hit Harry on the forehead.... hence the scar. Now this was after I had killed James, and that caused me to give Harry to Hagrid. So we wear masks to protect ourselves."

"Now to the next letter!"

  


Dear Voldemort-I was wondering if you could give us information on how to become a cookie eater, this way we hope we an sort out this "death" eater business. Anyone who says your evil is probably just jealous of your delicous cookies. - Lizzie Alice Dark

  


"Sorry can't help you become a cookie eater, as you're a muggle! But if you go on a Girl Scout camp-out and you might see me!"

  


That's all for now.


End file.
